You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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