I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
