I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
