Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
