Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
