I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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