Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize