Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
