The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
