Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
