he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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