I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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