tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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