2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
