totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
