my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
