hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
