There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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