how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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