why im i the only drunk person in the library?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
