People with herpes should wear stickers.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize