just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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