He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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