I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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