someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
