can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
