I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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