I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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