It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
