does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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