We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
