i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
