i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
