Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
