I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
