I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
