If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
