"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
