The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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