Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
