She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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