Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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