True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
