That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
