someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
