Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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