Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
