How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
