apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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