separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
