He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
