I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
