Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
