eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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