Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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