The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
