I faked an abortion last night.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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