Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
It's never too late to be topless.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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