i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Your mouth is God's brothel.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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