there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
