My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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