I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i've created a new STD.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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