I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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