All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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