i think my tv is drunk
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize