it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
